Seeking Truth Via the Yoga Sutras
When I left teacher training today - there were streaks of mascara on my face. Not from sweat, from tears. Another yogi and recent teacher training graduate happened to be in the hallway - and he asked what's going on? I replied "purging". He replied - what, did you go over the sutras today? Somehow he knew. And I had to laugh.
Let me backtrack.
Today we all shared our favorite sutra with the group. One by one, we read our chosen sutra aloud and told a little bit about what it meant and why it resonated.
I wasn't prepared in advance for this assignment. I did read the book on the sutras that was assigned to us, but hadn't really settled on a favorite sutra. As each of the trainees shared, my heart rate began to quicken. I felt anxious. At this moment, I can't say why - I didn't know why then either, maybe I felt unprepared and upset with myself that I was about to wing it on an assignment. That's something I typically don't do.
All through my schooling, I studied, I prepared, I felt ready for tests and turned in assignments on time. This is just how I handled it - but today no. I wasn't ready.
I figured I'd just focus on the sutra that handles quieting the mind - because that applies to just about every aspect of life. But as my turn came up, I glanced down a few lines and saw sutra 1.8
"Misperception occurs when knowledge of something is not based on its true form"
Basically - it means we can interpret a situation wrongly when we don't have the truth. There's the classic example of a person walking into a room where a coiled rope is in the corner but the person sees it as a snake and feels FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real.
This sutra hit home in the moment and I knew it was one I'd have to share with the group and here's why.
In my role as caretaker for my 94 year old mother in law, I deal with a LOT of false evidence. She's not fully in her mind because of the effects of dementia and therefore often operates from a position of fear because of it. She doesn't know if my husband, her son, is home from work - so she fears he's been in an accident. She can't find things and often thinks someone is stealing from her - usually me. She bruises easily and then thinks an animal came into her house and bit her. All of these examples are of course, nonsense - and yet it is her reality because it is her knowledge of her environment.
The amount of time and effort I spend trying to drag her back into reality is exhausting and lengthy and it boggles my mind when I think about it.
This past Saturday, she dropped a heavy metal weight onto her ankle.
I spent most of the day that day helping her recover. I put fresh ice packs on about every twenty minutes. I gave her pain medicine. I elevated her feet and fed her soup. She's lucky it didn't break skin, let alone any bones - but it left a nasty bruise. The day after it happened, she felt no pain and was pretty okay about the mark on her ankle.
As the bruise darkened, her experience of it did too.
She does not remember how it happened. The usual scenarios played out in her mind. Yesterday she accused me of being the one who had hit her.
This is of course, more nonsense. My sane mind rejects the idea immediately - I would never do such a thing and the fact she could conceive of my being so evil is at once heartbreaking and frustrating.
As I sit here typing out this story - I realize now that I could have just scoffed at the accusation and rest assured in my reality that no harm comes to her at my hand. Time and the purging I did in teacher training with the loving group of women I'm blessed to know has allowed me to see that is an option for me going forward. She's not mentally able to be held responsible for what she says - this I know.
I also know that I took what she said personally. There was my big mistake. In my defense of that reaction, I care for this woman on a daily basis - I cook nearly all her meals, wash her clothes, keep an eye on her when no one else is home. My presence in the house (I work from home) prevents her from having to live in a nursing home or be cared for by strangers. It seems highly unjust that I as the one tasked with her care should be the target of her ire and blame for things that go wrong (according to her warped view of reality).
There's another layer to how messed up I got over this incident. Spiritual teacher, Ekhart Tolle, tells a story in which he witnessed a woman on a subway train - she spent the ride having an angry conversation with no one that he (or anyone else) could see.
Later as Tolle reflected on this woman's apparent mental illness, he realized that the only difference between her and him was that she was having the conversation out loud. He recognized the fact that he was having similar internal dialogues that only he could hear because they were happening inside his head.
What is happening to my mother in law is scary. It frightens me that someone can lose touch with reality, begin to vanish from existence because her grasp of the world and things grows weaker with every passing day. Whatever issues I have with my mother in law - I am not made of stone and can see that this is a sad thing she's going through.
In the same way Tolle saw himself in the angry woman talking out loud to herself in public, I can see myself in the way my mother in law is aging and handling realities. Are there times when I react to situations based on false evidence appearing real? Do I create realities that are separate from truth? Misunderstandings happen constantly in human interaction - so we all know the answer to that is YES.
Sutra 1.8 reminds us to seek the truth to avoid those misconceptions.
Let me backtrack.
Today we all shared our favorite sutra with the group. One by one, we read our chosen sutra aloud and told a little bit about what it meant and why it resonated.
I wasn't prepared in advance for this assignment. I did read the book on the sutras that was assigned to us, but hadn't really settled on a favorite sutra. As each of the trainees shared, my heart rate began to quicken. I felt anxious. At this moment, I can't say why - I didn't know why then either, maybe I felt unprepared and upset with myself that I was about to wing it on an assignment. That's something I typically don't do.
All through my schooling, I studied, I prepared, I felt ready for tests and turned in assignments on time. This is just how I handled it - but today no. I wasn't ready.
I figured I'd just focus on the sutra that handles quieting the mind - because that applies to just about every aspect of life. But as my turn came up, I glanced down a few lines and saw sutra 1.8
"Misperception occurs when knowledge of something is not based on its true form"
Basically - it means we can interpret a situation wrongly when we don't have the truth. There's the classic example of a person walking into a room where a coiled rope is in the corner but the person sees it as a snake and feels FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real.
This sutra hit home in the moment and I knew it was one I'd have to share with the group and here's why.
In my role as caretaker for my 94 year old mother in law, I deal with a LOT of false evidence. She's not fully in her mind because of the effects of dementia and therefore often operates from a position of fear because of it. She doesn't know if my husband, her son, is home from work - so she fears he's been in an accident. She can't find things and often thinks someone is stealing from her - usually me. She bruises easily and then thinks an animal came into her house and bit her. All of these examples are of course, nonsense - and yet it is her reality because it is her knowledge of her environment.
The amount of time and effort I spend trying to drag her back into reality is exhausting and lengthy and it boggles my mind when I think about it.
This past Saturday, she dropped a heavy metal weight onto her ankle.
I spent most of the day that day helping her recover. I put fresh ice packs on about every twenty minutes. I gave her pain medicine. I elevated her feet and fed her soup. She's lucky it didn't break skin, let alone any bones - but it left a nasty bruise. The day after it happened, she felt no pain and was pretty okay about the mark on her ankle.
She does not remember how it happened. The usual scenarios played out in her mind. Yesterday she accused me of being the one who had hit her.
This is of course, more nonsense. My sane mind rejects the idea immediately - I would never do such a thing and the fact she could conceive of my being so evil is at once heartbreaking and frustrating.
As I sit here typing out this story - I realize now that I could have just scoffed at the accusation and rest assured in my reality that no harm comes to her at my hand. Time and the purging I did in teacher training with the loving group of women I'm blessed to know has allowed me to see that is an option for me going forward. She's not mentally able to be held responsible for what she says - this I know.
I also know that I took what she said personally. There was my big mistake. In my defense of that reaction, I care for this woman on a daily basis - I cook nearly all her meals, wash her clothes, keep an eye on her when no one else is home. My presence in the house (I work from home) prevents her from having to live in a nursing home or be cared for by strangers. It seems highly unjust that I as the one tasked with her care should be the target of her ire and blame for things that go wrong (according to her warped view of reality).
There's another layer to how messed up I got over this incident. Spiritual teacher, Ekhart Tolle, tells a story in which he witnessed a woman on a subway train - she spent the ride having an angry conversation with no one that he (or anyone else) could see.
Later as Tolle reflected on this woman's apparent mental illness, he realized that the only difference between her and him was that she was having the conversation out loud. He recognized the fact that he was having similar internal dialogues that only he could hear because they were happening inside his head.
What is happening to my mother in law is scary. It frightens me that someone can lose touch with reality, begin to vanish from existence because her grasp of the world and things grows weaker with every passing day. Whatever issues I have with my mother in law - I am not made of stone and can see that this is a sad thing she's going through.
In the same way Tolle saw himself in the angry woman talking out loud to herself in public, I can see myself in the way my mother in law is aging and handling realities. Are there times when I react to situations based on false evidence appearing real? Do I create realities that are separate from truth? Misunderstandings happen constantly in human interaction - so we all know the answer to that is YES.
Sutra 1.8 reminds us to seek the truth to avoid those misconceptions.
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