Standoff Success

If you can choose to see the humor in it - for me, it is usually a day later - one of the funniest things about talking to or interacting with someone with dementia is that their reality is, whatever they want it to be. If you play along with that reality, you can go to some pretty hilarious places. 

Tea and "The Golden Girls" with the Golden Girl

I say hilarious because the elder in my care doesn't know when I know she's fabricating stuff. Let me back up a bit. I know I don't owe anybody any kind of explanation but I have been unable to write on my blog for so long, I feel like some people need a reason. The ones who read the blog are probably already aware of my shift in responsibility with regard to elder care. 

A new home health aide started this week (vacation coverage for our current aide) and my mother in law is refusing to let her assist with bathing. For Anita, bathing has been a battle even with trusted people. She's always been a little stubborn about it. Think of a toddler who refuses to bathe or eat. It is a method of asserting control. I don't begrudge her that. It's not a new thing. However, since it's with a new person we can't just ignore getting her consent. 

She needs to feel comfortable.

But Saturday she will have a visitor for Mother's Day. And I know she'd be mortified seeing this person without having bathed for a week. So yesterday I made the case for it "tomorrow you have to take a bath". I said "you have to let the new lady help you take a bath". 

She looked me straight in the eye and said, "I bathed yesterday". 

That is total bullshit - and yes, hilarious that she'd try to lie. 

But I didn't argue with her. I said - good - you also need to bathe tomorrow. After she said the lie, she says, "Well, I mean, that's fine it's no big deal for me I could bathe every day."

Also bullshit - and yes, hilarious that she'd paint herself as the most easy to bathe person on the planet.

Today the bath happened. With me. She still refused to let the new person assist, so it fell to me. Granted, she was not enthused about it even though I would be the one to help her, and even though I told her why it was so important. 

My yoga off the mat for today was remaining calm in the lead up to her shower. 

It was like a scene out of a western, except we were in her bathroom, standing almost toe to toe, her arms folded across her chest, mine at my sides. I had asked her to disrobe so I could help her get in the tub. 

What followed was stillness and silence.

For a good five minutes.

No one budged. 

When one is training a dog, the advice from experts is "say the command once" - or you're diluting your status as pack leader. Not that my mother in law is a dog or anything, but I needed her to obey my request - so I didn't repeat myself. She knew what was being asked of her.

It became my job to wait.

So I did.

Thank goodness for pranayama (yogic breathing) - I just stood there, mindfully breathing, waiting for her to comply. I didn't allow myself to get anxious about wasting time. I maintained patience, one of my most difficult states of being. 

She ended up taking a thirty minute shower, lots of soap, multiple shampoos of her hair, rinsing, rinsing, soaping up again. All signs point to her having enjoyed it. 

Standoff success.

and Happy (clean) Mother's Day!