Love at the Core

Playing with puppets

Calendar-schmalendar - I had this post written around the right time of year, but life happens ya know? 

Last month, we honored mothers and fathers. They each get a special day. Grandparents get to share their day, I guess. Whether we do these types of things to honor the special role these people have or to sell greeting cards and cakes made of ice cream shaped like whales or not, we do it. Debating that point is not my goal here.

I'm not concerned with the why of it all. I just want to share something I observed around Father's Day.  

Father's Day had me thinking of Ita. My mother in law was always intent on making sure she honored her sons and their roles as fathers on this day. I can remember many times she'd shop for Brianna, for her Papi. Literally went to the store and picked out a card, a gift, and had wrapped for her. I learned with each experience that it wasn't done to highlight a flaw in me or my parenting. 

It was her style - to do it all. She had to.

As a single parent, she served in the role of mother AND father. This meant she took on the traditional fatherly role - being the provider, the stability, the security for her family. Rooted in her Catholic faith, she carried out this role with stoic love and steadfastness. 

Looking back, I see how that aspect of her life shaped her relationships with a lot of people. She was very independent and strong. She needed to be. Maybe that was what kept her from being really close with me - she had a wall up because she took on so much.  

It is an example of how we can allow expectations and gender roles to put limits on ourselves, on the way we are present with others. At various times we all take on the role of provider, caregiver, cheerleader, consoler, you name it. We all have the ability and capacity to express love by providing, by caressing, by listening. None of these are defined as mothering or fathering - they go beyond gender and parental norms. 

It also occurred to me how the relationships that are the most complicated are often the ones that teach you the most about yourself and about other beings. 

Without her so many things would be different in my life. So I think it's appropriate that she was on my mind as we celebrated Father's Day. 

Love is at the core of it all. Like the core muscles of your body, love at the core supports you, and benefits from regular strengthening.