it is in giving we receive

I've given up a lot of things in my life and to list them would serve no purpose. 

Rare View of Rifle Camp Sunday Morning Light

It did occur to me how some recent releases of "things" from my life have indeed served a purpose. Last week was my first full week without any evening (past 4pm) yoga classes on my schedule - virtual or in-person. I voluntarily gave up these opportunities to do something I love. Since they also compensate me financially, you might be wondering why in the heck I would do such a thing.

I did it because even as life is opening up here as folks get vaccinated (I'm VAXXED, let's hug! needs to be on a T-shirt) in my area of New Jersey - parts of mine are closing in. 

Elder care has become a common backdrop for musings shared here - supported by the ways in which I turn to my yoga practice to cope with it. We are approaching a time in which we will continually witness ways in which my mother in law needs more and more help just to live her life. 

She's still solo for at home bathroom visits and general hygiene. Out of the house is always a tandem mission. Ladies traveling in pairs to the restroom may not realize how they're in basic training for the day they have to accompany an elder for the elder's own safety and well being. 

The trouble with losing one's independence as a result of aging is the need to release control so that others can help. I've shared some of the ways this presents challenges (see my latest post on standoff success over bathing). The trouble with giving help to someone losing independence is the giver also loses independence. This is where my head is right now.

Watching Her Watch Roseanne

My schedule (and that of my husband's) must always first factor in the elder care needs of our household. Even a walk around the block has to happen within certain parameters. We took a hike Sunday morning for Mother's Day only because as it happened, we had someone staying with her - rare on the weekends. 

Before we do anything out of the house together, we always go through a checklist. Is she fed? Has she had her medicine? Is she napping? Did you just set her up to "watch" a program? Oh yes, she will laugh out loud at shows (if she is having a good hearing day) and is becoming a fan of the programming on TV Land.

By the way, "The Golden Girls" was a show ahead of its time - they dealt with racism, nursing home safety, gay rights - you name it. "Roseanne" storylines were daring too - the episode where Darlene admits to drug use also features a newly pregnant Roseanne and Dan Connor wondering if they should even have the baby. "The Andy Griffith Show" reruns are a full-on jolt to the system for the misogynistic undertones alone.     

But I digress. We used to leave her no longer than 2 hours alone at a time. That seems like AGES ago - because it is now down to 45 minutes before one would be phoning the authorities to report neglect. 

It really is unsafe for any amount of time for her to be alone. She's #thisclose to needing 24 hour care.

When she's alone, her thoughts become loud. These thoughts are usually negative self-talk. She slides down a spiral of worry and past transgressions. Like an under-rested and hungry toddler with a damp diaper being asked to behave in the grocery store, one has a short period of time before there's a full-blown tantrum - and then good friggin' luck with compliance and avoiding any scene in public. 

Her tantrums are better described as sobbing sessions. Once she hits that tipping point, it is way harder to bring her back to calm.   

So in order to keep her on the most even keel possible, she cannot be alone for more than 45 minutes give or take. That meant I needed to fill a very important gap in our coverage - beginning at 4pm - which meant, no more evening classes or commitments.

I arrived at this decision pretty easily - common sense prevailed and I offered to do it. I practiced Aparigraha, non-hoarding or non-attachment. Aparigraha is a guiding principle of yoga - one we've all had to come to terms with as we had to let go of so much last year - found in the Yamas. Yamas offer moral guidelines for the practicing yogi and comprise the eight limbs of yoga, a sort of road map for life drawn by the ancient sage Patanjali. 

It was only after I decided to give up these classes, that I began to see what I would be giving up. I had started teaching yoga to a group of high schoolers as part of their rowing club's training. It was challenging and fun - I miss going, being goofy in front of teenagers. The feeling I got seeing them practice yoga with seriousness of purpose and a sense of humor because of something I shared can only be described as fulfilling.

Yogis of Nereid Boat Club 

I dropped classes from two other studios as well. I've been teaching for both locations for about two years each, virtually only during the pandemic. The students at both locations are loving and sweet. They inspire me as they work through the poses and share their energy. I have missed them as well.

When I let them all know I would be suspending teaching afternoons and evenings for the foreseeable future, I received such positive feedback and support from all the people, high schoolers included, about why I was leaving (temporarily or not). I was showered with gifts even! 

A hand drawn poster board signed by the dedicated athletes who showed me I could be good at teaching yoga to teens, something I dreamed I'd do one day - (it's part of my Powerflow Yoga Scholarship application essay) will most certainly be framed for my yoga space at home.

Grateful and Surprised!

I also received some of the loveliest messages of gratitude from my students from those studio locations I mentioned. One in particular brought me to tears of joy.

Her words are for me and a select few alone, so I will keep them to myself a bit longer.

However, I will share some of how I responded to her.

Teaching yoga is a gift to me and knowing that in enjoying my gift, you were gifted something that has lingered beyond the boundaries of our classes together exceeds all my expectations yet falls well within the edges of my wildest dreams.

If I hadn't given up my class, I might not be reading her message or seeing how I impact the lives of my students right now. The pause allowed it. 

So I might have lost a little independence and chances to teach yoga - but what I gained is way more than that. Practice Aparigraha, you give up, but you might also gain.